Shitty Movie Review of the Week: Solar Attack

While every media outlet reviews Watchmen to death (hint: it ruled), I wanted to introduce a new feature that I'll try to keep with: the weekly TV movie review. This week I happened to catch Solar Attack. 

This movie featured Iron Chef America's Mark Dacascos (the Chairman's nephew) and Louis Gossett Jr as the President. Truly this film was ahead of its time (2005). The general premise of this putrid, stale, rotting piece of disaster movie trash is that the Sun has just sent out a burst of plasma towards the Earth, it cuts off all satellite communications by hurling the satellites like meteorites into the general populace. 

Holy shit. That rules right? The badassness doesn't end there. Turns out the plasma is going to light the air on fire. "Holy fuckin shit, did you say the air is gonna light on fire?" Yes. The fucking air lights on fire. Sadly the whole move goes south from there, turns out they want to prevent the fucking air from lighting on fucking fire. Buzzzzzzzkill. In a hugely convoluted set up, it's up to billionaire scientist and Iron Chef Chairman's nephew Luke something or another to convince ground breaking black president to nuke the world and extinguish the atmosphere. Without ruining anything, because the plot is so retarded to begin with that nothing will ruin it, he winds up on a Russian submarine in a torpedo shoot out with an American submarine, and hacking into the underwater telephone cables below the subs crush depth.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy fuckin shit, that fuckin sounds so fuckin awesome. It just blew my fuckin mind" and you'd be right, your fuckin mind has been blown by the thought of that. Until you see it. There will be disbelief, but little suspension of it. I'm pretty sure I've seen better graphics from the downloadable lego model builder (which is wicked sweet by the way). Featuring radar screens that they call sonar, under water radios so subs can talk to each other, and many many lame plot points and attempts at dialogue, its well worth seeing. Did I mention the fuckin air ignites? How about satellites slaughtering people? That's what I thought. 

I highly recommend seeing it when your options are Solar Attack, Clear and Present Danger for the 7th time in 2 months, and 1000 Ways to Die.

Unfortunately, the trailer is no where to be found that will let me embed it, so here is the link, and trust me, it captures the true escense of this fill in its full shittastic glory.

Trailer